Can’t Touch This Read online

  Lucifer licked his lips and glanced over his shoulder, nodding his head to Mania. She stood up, her long, tight black dress and long, straight black hair making her appear to be part of the Addams Family. Her eyes were accented with deep black eyeliner, and her lips were a bright crimson. Her top lip twitched slightly as she walked down the steps and around the corner, disappearing into the back hallway.

  Baal knew exactly what was back there, and there was nothing in that armory that would be good news for Beelzebub. Still, he kept his head down, not wanting the punishment to turn to him since he was the closest in proximity and relationship to Beelzebub.

  The demons tensed as they heard the clacking of Mania’s heels on the stone floors. She whistled as she walked, displaying a bit of the old Mania they had come to fear and hate. She walked back out into the main area carrying a massive old sword that, if stood on its tip, would have been her height and at least half her width. She had it slung over her shoulder like it was nothing.

  Beelzebub opened his eyes, swallowed hard, and clenched his eyes closed again as Lucifer took the sword. He turned to Beelzebub, his eyes glowing red, and growled, “See what you made me do?”

  He raised the sword high and swung down hard, cutting Beelzebub’s leg off from just below the knee. The demon squealed but clenched his teeth tightly and furled his fists.

  Lucifer dropped the sword on the floor and wiped the blood splattered across his face. “Under your watch, Lilith and her dumbass human brought the living nightmare into my home, and it attacked me. Your plan didn’t just fail, it failed catastrophically.”

  Beelzebub was shocked, but he was in too much pain to really focus. Lucifer turned to the rest of them. “Let this be a reminder to you all. When you fail me…YOU. ARE. FUCKED.”

  2

  Katie lay back on the couch, putting her feet up and opening one of the books she had bought way back when she first became a Damned but had never gotten around to reading. Pandora plopped down in the chair and opened an issue of Vogue, flipping through the pages. Katie glanced up and chuckled at Pandora’s expression.

  Pandora turned the magazine around, showing Katie a picture of a woman walking the runway with three-foot-long feathers coming out of her hair, a crop top, shorts, and fishnets. “Is this what I’m supposed to be walking around looking like? A damn hooker peacock?”

  Katie smiled. “No. I don’t see many people actually wearing those outfits. They take pieces of them and incorporate them into their own style. And the feathers are off limits. We have enough of those. I find them in the bed sometimes. I swear I’m molting.”

  Pandora laughed. “You too? I thought it was just my evil side plucking my wings when I was asleep.”

  Angie walked into the room and leaned against the doorframe. “You guys need anything?”

  Katie put the book in her lap and gave Angie a grin. “Nope. We are taking a day off.”

  Angie looked shocked. “What? Really?”

  Katie nodded. “Damn right. Unless of course the demons decide to attack, but we are crossing our fingers. Instead of saving the world, we are going to read, lounge around in our pajamas, and eventually go get more donuts. That’s it. I don’t even know if we’ll turn on the television today.”

  Angie was excited for them. “You guys deserve it, that’s for damn sure.”

  Pandora giggled. “Amen, sister. Amen.”

  Angie pointed at the pajamas. “It’s very Hygge of you. Juntto would definitely approve.”

  Katie pulled her robe tight. “That it is, and now I’m starting to get it. What about you? What are your plans for today?”

  Angie shrugged. “I’m done with cleanup, and I’ll check back in with you guys at lunchtime. Until then I’m going to play games online for money. My Twitch blew up overnight, and I owe my subscribers some good solid game play. They’ve been rioting.”

  More shouts erupted from outside, and Pandora glanced at the window and raised an eyebrow. “They’re not the only ones, apparently.”

  They walked over and stepped back out on the balcony, looking down at the group. It had grown in size quite a bit. This time, though, there were a bunch of folks in purple hats and t-shirts with signs. Most of the signs were scribbled in marker and simply read, Fuck Angels. To the purple protestors’ right was another group dressed all in white holding signs reading, Respect the Halo.

  Pandora rolled her eyes as the respective groups argued back and forth. “Hey! All of you! Remember that time when we were going to throw you in the Hudson River? It is still an option.”

  The people below grew a little quieter. Pandora looked at Katie and shook her head. “They just aren’t going to get it until someone drops fifty feet into the toxic river water.”

  Katie found it humorous. “Come on, let’s just continue our day. Screw them.”

  Pandora sighed, shrugging her shoulders. “You’re no fun. I could totally become internet-famous with one good YouTube video of me dropping people in the river.”

  Katie snorted. “Or you could start an international panic when people think we turned bad on them. I just want to relax with my book in the silence of the apartment.”

  Pandora sighed and let Katie pull her back through the doors. Angie headed out of the room, and Pandora stood next to Katie as she locked the door. “There should be a crackdown on that shit.”

  Katie smiled. “That is one of the beautiful things about being an American. We can peacefully protest just about anything that we want.”

  Pandora scoffed. “Stupid.”

  Katie reached up to pull the blinds closed when a glint of light blinded her for a second. She squinted and followed the light up to the top of the building across the street. Standing on top was someone pointing a rifle straight at them. Katie gasped and dove on top of Pandora, and they both hit the ground and rolled as a bullet hit the sliding door and shattered it into hundreds of pieces. Katie whipped her head up, still laying on top of Pandora. “Fuck. A sniper.”

  Pandora growled. “Oh, fuck no! Not on my Hygge day!”

  They both jumped up and ran through the broken door, spreading their wings and taking flight. They headed to the roof, landing on the edge and looking around. Pandora pointed to a guy making a run for the door. “There he is.”

  The guy panicked and turned around, firing at them. After a few misplaced shots, he ran out of bullets. His eyes went wide as he reached into his pocket for more rounds. Katie and Pandora were walking toward him in robes and pajamas, anger on their faces.

  The guy threw down his gun and yelled, “FRIEND OF THE DEVIL!”

  He reached to his belt and yanked off a grenade, pulling the pin and throwing it hard at them. With a straight face, Pandora opened her hand and caught it, tossing it high into the air. The guy looked up in amazement as it soared toward the clouds and exploded, causing no one any harm.

  Katie stormed forward and kicked his gun away, grabbing him by the collar. She reared back and punched him hard, and blood squirted from his nose. “Friend of the Devil?”

  Pandora grabbed a pentagram hanging around his neck. She held it in her palm and slowly closed her hand, crushing it to pieces. “Didn’t we fight some of these idiots in Paris?”

  Katie nodded, staring hard at the guy. “Yeah, and I don’t like it one bit that I’m seeing them here. Let’s go tug the NYPD’s coattails.”

  Katie handed the guy off to Pandora and took flight. Pandora smirked, grabbing the front of his shirt. “You better pray this fabric has integrity.”

  Baal walked toward the cave, pulling the right side of his cape across his front. There was a breeze in that area of hell, and he didn’t like it. “Like fucking changing seasons out here.”

  As he stomped toward the door, he waved his hand, throwing it open. He had no patience for manners at that point. He walked quickly through the main hall and into Beelzebub’s den. The injured demon was sitting by the fire, pressing a hot iron to the wound on the end of his nub of a leg. The skin sizzled and Bee
lzebub ran his fingers across it, healing the melded flesh.

  Next to his chair were a pair of crutches, and Baal shook his head. Without looking up, Beelzebub grumbled, “There’s a reason a demon locks his door. I just want to be alone.”

  Baal rolled his eyes and walked over, dropping a metal contraption in his lap. Beelzebub looked at it for a moment. “What the fuck is this?”

  Baal strolled over to the table and poured himself a glass of Scotch. “A hell-forged fucking peg leg. What else would it be?”

  Beelzebub held it up with a snarl, then sighed and began trying to pull it on, grunting as he gripped the sides and attempted to fit it over his stump. Letting out a deep breath, he glanced over his shoulder at Baal. “Why the hell are you still hanging out with me? You obviously know I am not the person who will bring you luck with Lucifer.”

  Baal tossed a few cockroaches into his mouth from a dish on the counter. “There hasn’t been a single one of us who hasn’t pissed Lucifer off to the point of dismemberment. You remember 1502, don’t you? When I accidentally tripped the alarm and sent the entire fleet out on attack? I lost an arm and a nut for that. Arm grew back, the rest is history. Besides, the council is a dangerous place.”

  Beelzebub chuckled, letting the peg fall to the floor. “Is there a place or demon in hell that isn’t dangerous? You have been on the council for centuries.”

  Baal nodded. “Mmhmm. And for all that time, I have always had a friend beside me. The way I see it, better to have friends on the council than enemies. I’m not going to just turn my back on you because you fucked up and lost a leg. That is nowhere as angry as I have seen Lucifer before. He was making a statement. I get it. Sucks that you had to take the damn brunt of it.”

  Beelzebub shook his head. “I honestly don’t know if this leg will grow back. This is the fourth time I’ve lost it. Last time it took a potion from a mage and three decades to fully get it back to functioning.”

  Baal shrugged. “So you wear the leg. Just like you did when he stabbed you, keep a tight face. Don’t show that you or your ego is hurting. That will only egg him on and make you a target for future temper tantrums.”

  Beelzebub turned back, picking up the peg and pulling it on hard. “None of this is my fucking fault. It was a Leviathan! How was I supposed to stop those two morons from throwing it through a portal, especially when travel is prohibited? He wanted to avenge Mania; I just carried out his damn orders.”

  He growled loudly and yanked, and the peg snapped into place. The outside of the cup was made of forged steel, and the peg was thick at the top for balance and came to a relatively sharp point at the bottom. He pulled himself up and got his balance before beginning to pace. The leg clanged loudly on the stone floor.

  Beelzebub smiled a bit. “This is nice. Thank you, Baal. I like it. And from the looks, of it I might be able to stab a few bitches with it, too.”

  Baal chuckled. “That was what I thought when I saw it.”

  Beelzebub, having already torn off his armor and thrown a black cloak around himself, stomped across the room and pulled a book off the shelf. Baal watched him with curiosity. “What are you doing now?”

  Beelzebub snarled as he read through the pages. “I’m going to fuck some shit up.”

  Baal sighed, shaking his head and walking over to the table. He put his hand on Beelzebub’s shoulder. “You know now that I am a friend, right?”

  Beelzebub eyed him. “Yes.”

  Baal looked down and closed the book. “Then you need to take advice from your friend. I suggest you lay low for a little while.”

  Beelzebub tried to protest, but Baal put his hand up. “I know you have been laying low for many, many years, but right now you are a convenient target. I have a feeling that if you fuck up again, especially doing something without orders, Lucifer will make sure your pieces are buried so far apart you’ll never come back together. Let Lucifer’s attention fall on other demons for a while. Keep your nose clean, and let there be no excuse for your name to hit his ears without your doing so.”

  Beelzebub glanced down at the book and back at Baal. “Maybe you’re right. He has a relatively short attention span anyway. There will come a time when he needs my help with the council or security measures. Maybe then he will come to me.”

  Baal smiled. “Exactly. And at that point, his memory of your failure, or supposed failure, will be long swept under the bridge. All in good time, my friend.”

  Katie and Pandora landed on the sidewalk in front of the NYPD police station. Pandora was still holding the assassin—who was unconscious by that point—by the shirt collar, and Katie was carrying several boxes of donuts and a giant carafe of steaming coffee. A couple of the guys walked out of the precinct door and stopped, smiling. “Katie! Pandora! Good to see you!”

  Katie smiled. “You too, guys. You coming back? We got some good stuff here.”

  The second cop waved. “Yeah, just running out for the chief. We’ll be back in a few. Save us some donuts.”

  They waited until the guys had driven off before walking inside. The guy behind the counter tipped his hat as usual and buzzed them into the back. Pandora dragged the assassin through the door by the shirt, “accidentally” knocking him hard into the doorframe.

  They walked around the corner into the pit and everyone looked up, then waved and yelled hellos. Katie laughed, nodding her head and waving back.

  Officer Deluth, a cop who had been in the precinct since Katie and Pandora had started working with NYPD, came up. “Ladies. This is an unexpected but very nice surprise.”

  Katie chuckled. “Well, I figured to make up for just dropping in unannounced, I would bring you coffee…”

  She handed the items to him as she spoke. “…and donuts for everyone. Hopefully this time they will last longer than three minutes. Oh, and…”

  Pandora lifted the assassin toward him, head slumped. “And one unconscious sniper who now owes us a motherfucking window for our condo.”

  The officer’s face fell and he set the food down, motioning to another cop. “Take this asshole to one of the rooms and try to wake him up. Handcuff and search him.”

  He looked back at the two of them. “Anyone hurt?”

  Katie shook her head. “No, thanks to Pandora for tossing a live grenade into the heavens.”

  The cop was surprised. “He had a fucking live grenade?”

  Katie pulled the rifle off her shoulder and handed it over. “And this little beauty.”

  The cop whistled. “Wow. Good thing he didn’t hit you guys. You’d have a hole through those Batgirl pajamas.”

  Katie looked down, realizing they hadn’t changed. “It was unexpected. Day off.”

  Travers walked out of his office and looked at them. He waved his hand, and Katie snagged one of the boxes of donuts. “Thanks, Deluth.”

  He nodded, looking down at the weapon. They headed up the steps and into the office where Schultz was finishing typing something up. Travers shut the door behind them. “Good to see you two. You said a sniper shot at you?”

  Katie sat down, handing Travers the donuts. “Yeah. ‘Friends of the Devil.’ Ring any bells?”

  Schultz closed the file on his desk and came over, taking a donut. “Oh, yeah. It’s a bit surprising they sent a sniper.”

  Travers leaned against his desk, crossing his arms. “They’re a low-level terrorist organization. The Feds are keeping track, but they aren’t making waves right now. At least not until this happened.”

  Katie shook her head. “We ran into a few in a station in Paris when we were there. Idiots brought knives to an angel fight, but no guns, and definitely no fucking grenades.”

  Travers didn’t look surprised. “Yeah, until this incident they had been fighting occasionally with the guys in the white, the Halos. And then also some fight with the guys in the purple, the Fuck Angels guys. They don’t seem interested in engaging anyone in their range of thought. They just roll around fucking up people in general. The only ones
they don’t fuck with are their own. And they always yell out that shit, ‘Friends of the Devil.’ Fucking morons.”

  Pandora rolled her eyes. “They sound like they need a damn ass-whupping.”

  Schultz wiped donut crumbs off his mouth. “The problem is, these are the guys that end up dabbling in rituals. They fuck around and accidentally pull some big-ass demon out, and then poof—they’re infected.”

  Katie bit the inside of her cheek. “So none of them are infected now?”

  Travers shook his head. “No. Oddly enough, for people obsessed with the devil, they are a humans-only organization. They don’t allow anyone who’s been Damned to join.”

  Katie shook her head. “Now, that doesn’t make any fucking sense. Can we question the sniper with you?”

  Travers looked at Schultz, who shrugged. “As long as you don’t get physical with him, I don’t care.”

  They headed out of the office and down to the interrogation room where the man was being held. When they walked in, the guy sat up straight, his hands cuffed to the table. “Get those angel bitches away from me. They assaulted me.”

  Travers chuckled as he sat down across from him. “After you attempted to assassinate them. Pretty sure that’s self-defense. Not to mention the fact that you threw a grenade at them and could have killed a whole lot of people had it flown over the side of the building. I’m looking at this as pretty much a life sentence here, especially since your targets were the beloved saviors of millions of lives.”

  The guy rolled his eyes and sat back. Schultz leaned forward on the table. “So, why don’t you help yourself out here and tell us who the leader of your group is?”

  The guy looked the other way, pressing his lips together. Schultz smirked, slamming his hand down hard on the table. “How about where we can find some of your little friends?”

  The guy slowly turned his head toward them with narrowed eyes. “I’m not saying shit. I know my fucking rights. I want an attorney.”